It’s very normal for me to be going through it during this time of the year. I do work retail so my shifts become increasingly emotionally, physically, and quite honestly spiritually draining up until the new years but this is not my first rodeo show. I’ve gotten used to it so I’m just struggling with fatigue and what seems to be just a series of bad luck.

My beloved pen tablet of like, what, 13 years has finally decided to shit the bed and while it’s still somewhat usable the pressure sensitivity is absolutely shot on it so I can’t make any meaningful progress with my current art projects. The best I can do is sketches. I do have my galaxy tab I can draw with but my Clip Studio Paint subscription ran out and money is very tight this month so I do not have the means to fix either of these issues right now. I am forcing myself to learn and get comfortable with Krita in the meantime but I still can’t work on any existing projects which sucks because I wanted to finish my big one this year.

Also straight up my favorite pair of works jeans ripped in between the thighs while I was at work a few days ago. This is not the first time this has happened to me at work so I guess they’re making jeans out of tissue paper these days because while my thighs do rub together when I walk usually I get a few years out of my jeans before the inner thighs wear down to the point of ripping, this pair I literally started wearing this year.

Thankfully the tear wasn’t super noticeable but to add insult to injury I tried running to the clothing store right next to my job and they straight up did not have my size in jeans so I couldn’t even buy a emergency back up pair. I do have other work jeans so I don’t have to go clothing shopping just yet (my least favorite kind of shopping) but I thought it was interesting timing because I also recently noticed my work shoes got holes in them too which is a first for me but I was able to buy new work shoes. I need supportive work shoes so I legitimately can’t put off buying a new pair otherwise I’d be in debilitating pain after every shift.

A lot of life changing shit has happened to me this year so while yes I am upset about the bad things that have happened to me recently I’m also kind of over it at this point. It’s just all deeply unserious to me. I’ll probably feel differently once the dust has settled after the new year but for someone who’s lived with severe anxiety my entire life it feels like I’ve finally managed to get it to quiet down a bit. Yes, bad shit will happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s no point in borrowing grief from the future. Shit, I don’t even have to feel it in the present now do I? I’ll make do in the meantime I suppose.